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From Scottie · July 31, 2026
See The Borowitz Report in a Scottie brief
Scottie read The Borowitz Report, Letters from God, and I Might Be Wrong for a reader with the priorities shown below. Start with the rundown, open the full brief, or check every issue behind it.
3sources
16issues read
5stories included
5 of 5 The Borowitz Report issues included
What shaped this brief
Reader priorities
A reader who wants Andy Borowitz's short satirical headlines to puncture political vanity before the next serious analysis begins.
These are illustrative priorities, not a customer’s data.
Sources in this brief
- The Borowitz ReportThe publication this guide is about
- Letters from GodAdds character-driven political satire voiced by God and Jesus.
- I Might Be WrongAdds policy arguments and industry-aware comedy from a former television writer.
Scottie
Scottie example brief
July 31, 2026 · Executive brief
01 / The rundown
- Pope Leo XIV relaxed Catholic birth control rules exclusively for JD Vance to prevent his expanding family from threatening the Church.
- Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth erupted in anger after a mandatory military blood test placed his estrogen levels in the 99th percentile of women.
- An unconscious Mitch McConnell earned higher approval ratings than his conscious self as 78 percent of surveyed voters preferred his inaction.
Read the complete brief 5 stories · 2 action items
02 / The briefing
01 / main
Elise Stefanik Woos Elon Musk After Trump Nomination Snub
The takeaway: After Donald Trump pulled her UN ambassador nomination and abandoned her NY governor bid, former Representative Elise Stefanik published an opinion piece defending Elon Musk's hand gestures to land a job.
Concrete details
- SpaceX and Tesla stock values dropped $650 billion following the opinion piece.
- Stefanik gave up her GOP conference chair post to pursue the failed UN job.
Why it matters for this reader: Punctures political vanity by showing how far politicians stretch their resumes when scrambling for post-Congress employment.
Original sourcesThe Borowitz Report
02 / main
Pope Relaxes Church Birth Control Rules Exclusively for JD Vance
The takeaway: Pope Leo XIV announced a historical break from doctrine by relaxing birth control prohibitions specifically for JD Vance, citing urgent fears over the Vice President reproducing further.
Concrete details
- Pope Leo XIV instituted the exception after learning Vance had four children.
- The Pope expressed concern that Vance's offspring could inherit Pope-killing powers.
Why it matters for this reader: Clears away political self-importance with a swift satirical punch before you dive into serious policy analysis today.
Original sourcesThe Borowitz Report
03 / main
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth Enraged by High Estrogen Test
The takeaway: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth exploded with rage after mandatory military blood testing revealed his estrogen levels ranked in the 99th percentile of women, prompting him to blame DEI initiatives.
Concrete details
- Hegseth mandated the blood test for all military service members over age 30.
- Results placed Hegseth's estrogen count in the 99th percentile of all women.
Why it matters for this reader: Deflates hyper-masculine political posturing by turning strict leadership policies right back onto the officials enforcing them.
Original sourcesThe Borowitz Report
04 / main
Unconscious Mitch McConnell Outpolls His Conscious Career Record
The takeaway: A new poll revealed that an unconscious and unresponsive Mitch McConnell earned significantly higher approval ratings than his conscious self, with voters celebrating his untouched stack of legislative work.
Concrete details
- 78 percent of voters strongly agreed the country would benefit if McConnell were unconscious.
- McConnell's legislative work pile remains completely untouched beside his hospital bed.
Why it matters for this reader: Gives you a humorous reality check on congressional vanity before tackling serious legislative news.
Original sourcesThe Borowitz Report
05 / main
Trump Strikes Civilian Nuclear Deal With Saudi Arabia
The takeaway: Donald Trump finalized an agreement allowing Saudi Arabia to develop a civilian nuclear program, brushing off critics who pointed out the regime's history of violence against journalists.
Concrete details
- The deal aims to counter Iran while blocking Russian or Chinese nuclear agreements.
- Critics noted the Saudi government previously chopped journalists into small pieces.
Why it matters for this reader: Skewers diplomatic logic to puncture foreign policy vanity before you move on to heavier geopolitical reading.
Original sourcesThe Borowitz Report
Action items
- Scan these satirical dispatches to puncture political vanity before starting your serious news reading for the day.
- Track political career shifts to see how former lawmakers target tech leaders for post-congressional jobs.
See every issue behind this brief
Elise Stefanik's New Target for Favor
- Who's Elise Stefanik Sucking up to Now?The Borowitz Report · Included
Pope Leo XIV's Birth Control Exception for JD Vance
- Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD VanceThe Borowitz Report · Included
Pete Hegseth's Estrogen Test Reaction
- Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for EstrogenThe Borowitz Report · Included
Mitch McConnell Approval Rating Poll
- Unconscious Mitch McConnell Scores Higher Approval Rating Than Conscious VersionThe Borowitz Report · Included
Trump's Saudi Civilian Nuclear Program Logic
- The Logic Behind Trump's Saudi Nuclear Deal, Applied to Other SituationsThe Borowitz Report · Included
Florida Republican House seat
- Republicans Lose House Seat To IdiocyLetters from God · Read, not included
Trump at Lindsey Graham
- Dozy Donald Humiliated at Lindsey Graham's FuneralLetters from God · Read, not included
Lindsey Graham afterlife remarks
- He’s Not In HeavenLetters from God · Read, not included
Trump Michigan event protest
- Bless The Protestor Who Broke Trump’s BrainLetters from God · Read, not included
Obama 2028 push
- I Know How to Shut Them UpLetters from God · Read, not included
Directors AI opposition
- Directors Hate AI. What About Bottom-Feeding Comedy Writers?I Might Be Wrong · Read, not included
Medicare for All debate
- What Would a Serious "Medicare for All" Pitch Sound Like?I Might Be Wrong · Read, not included
Waymo safety statistics
- The Arguments Against Waymos Could Be Used Against Anti-Smoking CampaignsI Might Be Wrong · Read, not included
Rubio and Vance audio
- IMBW Audio: On Rubio vs. VanceI Might Be Wrong · Read, not included
Screenwriters pronoun discussion
- IMBW Audio: What the Hell Was I Thinking: How Screenwriters Slog Through Pronoun HellI Might Be Wrong · Read, not included
Socialist policies debate
- Forget Labels -- Which Socialist Policies Are the Problem?I Might Be Wrong · Read, not included
About The Borowitz Report
Should you add The Borowitz Report to Scottie?
Follow U.S. politics through concise satire that assumes the reader already knows the news.[1][2][3]
Who it’s for
A reader who wants Andy Borowitz's short satirical headlines to puncture political vanity before the next serious analysis begins.[1][2]
What you’ll find in it
The issues linked below include “Zelenskyy Suggests Trump Give Florida to Russia”, “Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance”, and “Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for Estrogen”. Open them to judge the publication in its own words.
- Byline
- Andy Borowitz[1]
How to read The Borowitz Report with Scottie
Add its public feed for publicly available issues. If you subscribe to paid issues, forward those emails to your private @scottie.fyi address. Scottie does not need access to your inbox.
Scottie read 5 The Borowitz Report items and included 5 for the brief. The sources covered different things, so Scottie kept their stories separate instead of forcing a connection.
Read three issues from The Borowitz Report
Read the publication in its own words. Scottie keeps these original links attached; it does not replace the writing.
Sources and official links
- The Borowitz Report official publication and public archive
- Zelenskyy Suggests Trump Give Florida to Russia
- Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance
- Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for Estrogen
- Letters from God official publication
- I Might Be Wrong official publication